What the hell did they teach you in kindergarten?

FYI: The thing where people raise their hand, with the back of their hand facing the professor, to be called on during class? Bugs the shit out of me.

It's so small...

It's hard to pay attention in class when you don't care. It's even HARDER to pay attention when you're annoyed. And it's the HARDEST to pay attention when you're angry. I'm sitting here between the middle and the latter. I seriously might throw myself off of a tall ---



AWWWW


I mean, I will honestly sock every person I see right in the mouth if ---





AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW


OK, so I guess I'll be alright.

Tips on how to interact in class - Lesson 1

You don’t need to preface every statement made in class with “I was just gonna say…” Just say it. We'll get that you're "just gonna say it" when you say it. And while we're on that note, shut up after you make your statement. We don't need your life story.

A stream of consciousness.

Wow, I’m so bored. I don’t think I could be any more bored. Could I be more bored? No. I don’t think I could. This professor has the most boring, monotone voice in the world. How did he make it this far in life being this boring? Who gave him a teaching position? Do they know how boring he is? How boring this class is? How bored I am? Jesus, I’m so bored that I’m actually feeling a bit angry over it. I’m paying $30k a year to be bored. I almost paid attention to what the professor was saying for about a minute. My brain turned to mush and I was immediately propelled back to not paying attention. Unattention? Disattention? Is there a word for the state of not paying attention? My brain isn’t working because I’m so bored. God, I’m bored.

Spicing it up.

Law books are so boring. Take a look at this boring book:



So how do we make them more interesting? Simple. One carefully placed exclamation mark:


Publishers of legal books, take note.

Distraction, anyone?

Gaaaahhhh

Class...boring...brain...shutting...down...

What's this? Distraction? Sweet.

So I noticed you have a goatee.

Are you a professional baseball player? A count?

Then why?

To the guy with the rolly backpack.

There's just something about running that makes most people look ridiculous. Maybe it's that they're not used to it and so they have no form, or maybe they're just doomed to hilarious running styles their entire lives. Either way, every time I see a grown person run, I laugh a little inside. Particularly funny, to me, is when the person lets his or her arms flail as if they're completely unaware that they even had arms.

Personally, I can only think of a handful of times in life where I was actually in a big enough hurry to run somewhere. Don't get me wrong, I probably look pretty ridiculous doing it, too. But my point is that, chances are, your life events are not nearly as urgent as you think they are. But please, keep running. It makes my day.

Seriously.

People who ride bicycles, roll up your pant leg after you get off of your bike. You look like a douche.

Things that bug me.

Pubes in the urinals. (Sorry, ladies. You'll have to sit this one out.)

I go into the bathroom and there's pubes in the urinals. What's the f'ing deal, here? How does this come about? I've got my theories:

1) It's the work of a religious nut. There is a guy who, every time he pees, pulls out his pubes as if to atone for his past sins. This guy is relentless, pulling out at least 10 in any giving sitting. He then leaves them in the urinal to remind himself of his past crimes.

2) Some dude has problems unzipping. John Q. Longpubes can't unzip and pull out his junk without inadvertently ripping out his own body hair. He is too stunned to do anything with them but leave them where they fall. Do yourself a favor and give yourself a trim.

3) It's a terrible present. Just as your dog or cat will drag a dead bird into the house as a "gift" to you, this man leaves his pubes in the urinal as work of art for all to see. 20 years down the road, it turns out that he's the new Van Gogh.

4) God hates me. He knows that seeing ripped-out pubes in a public urinal will always make me gag. He divinely intervenes to set me up.

Seriously, now guys. How hard is it to keep your pubes to yourself? Work it out.