so let's start a blog

Blogspot has run its course.

2010-07-22T15:11:00.000-07:00

Conversation of the day

2010-06-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

An excerpt from a conversation I had today where I was asking about a friend's relationship with her boyfriend:

Me: You two married yet?

Her: Not yet.

Me: Just waiting for the right pregnancy, I see.

Me: That romantic moment when you realize you don't have the guts to go through with an abortion.

Pete Sampras applies for a job

2010-04-08T16:16:00.001-07:00

Man, I get bored at work sometimes. (Click on the picture to see a bigger version.)

Ricky Martin...gay?

2010-03-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

Ricky Martin, seen here sporting a sleeveless, low-cut blouse, leather pants and multiple necklaces, recently announced that he is...gay?

This has got to be a blow to all those ladies out there who used to dream of his tight abs, which can be seen below as Ricky dances with a friend (perhaps celebrating the very essence of manhood?):

But, while I have no qualms with the homosexual community and embrace their quest for equality, who could honestly have predicted that Mr. La Vida Loca himself would turn out to be loco for hombres?

I guess I just don't see it.

An immortal jellyfish is gross forever

2010-03-19T00:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently this thing can regenerate it's entire body, going from adult back to polyp and then growing again. This makes jellyfish even grosser than before. Jellyfish are disgusting creatures. They look like barf encased in intestines. I wish jellyfish would go away forever.

Corey Haim found dead

2010-03-10T08:54:00.000-08:00

Eh.

My bank gets lonely

2010-03-05T10:33:00.001-08:00

The other day Chase sent me a new debit card, which had to be activated before I could use it. I called the activation phone number and it made me enter the 16-digit card number. Then...it was usable. No password...nothing. The sticker on the card said the card wasn't activated before I got it for my protection. Maybe the automated activation voice lady just needed to hear my sweet, sweet voice? Nice going, Chase.

I have decided that the "Blogs of Note" section on the main page

2010-03-03T07:42:00.001-08:00

of blogger.com is filled predominately with blogs wherein ugly people type meaningless thoughts. The difference in mine? I'm a beautiful man.

Edit: Sound the alarm. I've used the word "blog" 3 times in one sentence. And now, 4 times in one post.

Johnny Weir, Team USA Olympic Figure Skater

2010-02-20T05:02:00.001-08:00

Don't ever stop dreaming.

Dear Law School and Related Organizations:

2010-02-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

I am flattered that you have chosen me to hound with letter after letter gently hinting at the possibility of a contribution, but as it turns out, I've already given you A HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS for an education that has rewarded me with two years of headaches and underpayment. So you'll have to forgive me if I don't choose to make a donation to your cause.

Love,

Me

How to tell your new Facebook friend is an advertising ploy

2010-02-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

1) You don't recognize them.

2) You have no friends in common.

3) They only have one picture.

4) Their wall is composed entirely of notices that they've added friends, and people asking, "Do I know you?"

5) All of their status updates are links to porn sites.

That last one is definitely the kicker. I'm on to you, social media marketers.

Conversation of the day:

2009-12-02T10:38:00.001-08:00

I sent a friend of mine a website that I happened to think was hilarious and this was the short, ensuing discussion:

Friend: safe for work?

Me: yeah

Me: text and pie charts

Me: oh, one picture of a guy ramming another from behind but it's done tastefully

Friend: uhhh

There are so many crazy people at libraries

2009-11-18T14:49:00.000-08:00

As a dude who spends a decent amount of time at public libraries, I can tell you that there are some crazy ass people who spend their time there. (Get all your "YOU'RE CRAZY TOO" jokes out of the way, now.) For the most part, they are respectful of the rest of us in the library and are quietly crazy. Yesterday however, I was not so lucky.

I was sitting, minding my own business while doing some research for work, when a crazy lady sat down next to me on my left, muttering something like "the books are always wrong." I shifted to my right.

Five minutes later, a crazy man sat down in front of me, speaking at about an outdoor volume, alternating between grunts of disgust and exclamations about how he "can't believe this!"

Not a minute after that, another crazy man walked into the room and began yelling at bookshelves.

I left shortly thereafter.

Being an ass can land you in jail

2009-11-05T15:18:00.000-08:00

Adam Reposa, an attorney in Austin, Texas, was held in contempt of court (sounds boring, but read on) and thrown in jail for 90 days for being an asshole. That link is an actual court decision, and as such, is very long and hard to get through without falling asleep. Here are the funny parts (by the way, the "applicant" is the attorney, Reposa):

In the contempt hearing, Judge Breland testified that, at this point, she saw the applicant "violently shaking his head while [she was] trying to talk to [his client]." The record of the proceedings reveals that this exchange followed:
JUDGE BRELAND: Mr. Reposa, I'm going to ask you, don't be distracting him, please -
REPOSA: Not trying to distract him.

JUDGE BRELAND: - when I am speaking to the defendant.
I am going to ask [Prosecutor] Swaim, who I am sure has reviewed this case, if Mr. Williams wanted to plead no contest today, what would the State ask for?
SWAIM: 30 days, court costs, lose driver's license for 90 days, minimum - for the record, Your Honor, Mr. Reposa continues to whisper in his client's ear while I am talking.

JUDGE BRELAND: Mr. Reposa, out of here. Right now. I saw what you did. That is contempt.

Can you guess what Reposa did? I didn't. But here we go:

According to Judge Breland's testimony, after Swaim had protested that the applicant continued to whisper in his client's ear,

[The applicant] was standing a couple of feet from the front of the bench and, very clearly, I could see his right hand at his - a few inches from his waist and his hand was in sort of a fist and he moved his hand very quickly up and down for maybe five times. And as he did that, his eyes were rolling . . . and he was looking at me.
Judge Breland further testified that she recognized this gesture as a simulated masturbation gesture.

You know, this would've probably been enough to land him a contempt charge without the eye contact. That part's just creepy. So there you have it. A fun, new way to be thrown in jail.

Do you know what's terrible?

2009-10-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

The Bernie Mac Show. (RIP Bernie)

So what if it's 9/9/09

2009-09-09T22:51:00.000-07:00

The whole stupid world is buzzing about this "anomaly." "It's 9/9/09! All the numbers match! Etc. etc. etc.!" Yeah. It's happened before. It'll happen again. I didn't hear everyone freaking out about 8/8/08, last year.

Those same jerks probably get excited when the clock hits 10:10 twice a day, too.

On the issue of Shawne Merriman

2009-09-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a little late on this, but I've gotta be honest. When I heard Merriman had been arrested for choking Tila Tequila, I thought, "Finally, someone did what the rest of us were thinking."

I'm going to be a bit annoyed if this keeps him off the field for game this weekend.

Man, I gotta do my research

2009-09-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

Turns out Rosetta Stone isn't working. So much for yesterday's vow. Gonna have to put this off a couple of days while I get it working.

Put up or shut up

2009-09-04T14:09:00.000-07:00

Being half Mexican, you'd think I'd be at least proficient in the Spanish language - and I was at some point during high school. My dad speaks it fluently and pretty much all of the relatives I grew up around speak it fluently. But somewhere in the tosses and turns of childhood, I was left on the platform as the train to Bilingualville took off down the tracks.

Now, I speak and understand a very meager amount of the language. If I woke up in Mexico tomorrow I could find my way out alive, most likely. But I've resolved to improve my ability. In fact, I've vowed to become more fluent in Spanish for a couple of years, now. But tomorrow I'm going to do something about it, finally.

Tomorrow, I'm going to start a Rosetta Stone Spanish program and, hopefully, stick with it once a day until I'm good and fluent. I'll probably post some of my adventures and follies here, in the future. As for right now, I need to jump into some cold water because it's too hot to think.

Blog's back and I'm still bugged

2009-09-01T07:20:00.000-07:00

I watched this guy go into a restaurant with his wife and two kids. Doesn't sound too annoying right off, but here's the thing: Dude never took off his sunglasses. At no point during this meal (taken indoors, mind you) did he feel it was acceptable to take off his douche-y, Euro-trash sunglasses. Awesome.

A normal man pulling this stunt would be considered an ass (in my opinion, at least), but a man with his wife and two kids present deserves a gold medal for ass-baggery. Props to his wife for being supportive of his condition. Without her, this all wouldn't have been possible.

P.S. Yes, ass-baggery might be new to the English language. Bonus points for coming up with an appropriate definition.

P.P.S. Yes, it's been almost a year since my last entry. Shut up.

How do you mess that one up

2008-10-05T04:41:00.001-07:00

Hey, we all have our bad days at work, but WOW.

What I really worry about

2008-07-26T11:41:00.003-07:00

I wake up at 4 am in a cold sweat. Am I freaked out about the Bar Exam that happens in 3 days? Nope. I've just had a nightmare about being back in law school (which I imagine will follow me for the rest of my life).

In my dream, I was back in the last month of my first year of law school and I, apparently, had not been to class since the first day of the semester (OK, it does sound like me...). But here's the twist: A classmate I bumped into around town told me there was a HUGE paper for Criminal Law class due that day. Of course I hadn't even heard about this paper, let alone written it. So what did I do? I asked my friend to drive me to the hospital so I could fake an illness and be excused from the paper.

The kicker? A good 9 hours later after all this nonsense, my friend tells me that it won't work because I had pulled this same trick on the same professor during the first semester. Damn my dreaming luck.

My mind is a brittle little guy.

Wake-up juice

2008-07-13T16:06:00.004-07:00

Bar study keeps you up most nights when you're a month behind the scheduled assignments, trying to play catch-up two weeks before the test. Even more so than in law school, I've been on a constant diet of caffeine to keep my head above water and in a book.

So I've come to some conclusions about the best way to achieve my newest high:

Espresso drinks are not only horribly overpriced, but completely ineffective for long-term study sessions
7-11 coffee is far superior to Starbuck's coffee, and cheaper
Red Bull is best for sipping while you study (Coffee gets cold and gross if you sip it too long. Seriously, it's like cold shit soup in a cup after 30 minutes sitting out.)

I hope you never have to use these tips.

Bar review sucks

2008-07-01T01:09:00.004-07:00

For someone so unsure of whether to practice law, I sure have been killing myself studying for this stupid bar exam, lately.

I went from not wanting to practice at all, to thinking about it, to deciding to take the bar in February, to scrambling to get my shit together for the July exam. How did I get to this? No idea. Maybe a fear of not knowing what to do with my life coupled with the crippling debt of law school that I need to start repaying soon (incidentally, I'm now almost $100k in debt).

I started a home-study bar review program that normally takes students upwards of 2 months to complete when moving at the normal pace. There's less than a month until the exam. Now, I could've started early June but the nice people at the bar loan place decided to hold my loan application up in bullshit for the last month. Thanks, guys!

Despite all this, I'm surprisingly nonchalant. Let me try and relate to you how much I care about passing this exam. I care about passing this exam about as much as I cared about Pluto being declassified as a planet. I care about passing this exam about as much as I care about the Sex and the City movie. I care about passing this exam...well, about as much as I cared about succeeding in law school.

So I don't exactly have a lot tied up in this exam. It's not like I've got a job waiting for me if I pass. No, I'll still be groping blindly to get my foot in the door at some place that I don't care about but I pretend to be totally psyched about in front of the recruiters. Seriously, every law firm is exactly the same. They all do boring law stuff and they're all named after 5 or 6 boring, old white guys who could give a shit if their employees live or die as long as they're not bothered.

I'm not jaded.

If I actually do pass this exam then I suppose I'll have to continue this ridiculous game.

The pinnacle of apathy

2008-04-29T03:11:00.003-07:00

It's 4 am and I've got someone else's outline (for a class I rarely attended) on my lap. That can only mean one thing: finals.

Yes, folks, at 8:15 am I will be sitting down for the start of my 6th and final round of law school finals. I have only been to this particular class about 5 times, and on the rare occasion that I actually did show up I spent the entire class period pondering important, class-related topics such as Heath Ledger's death (RIP) and how to win at Minesweeper on Expert difficulty (I still can't get a faster time than 440 seconds, dammit).

My point in all this is that, through the constant onslaught of sleep-inducing tests administered to me by this fine educational institution, I've completely and irreversibly lost any fear of tests, whatsoever. In fact, I've come to think of tests not as an assessment of my mastery of the subject matter, but as an exercise in pure endurance. Every time I sit down to take an exam, I'm furious that I'm losing 3 hours of my life in order to drudge through something so tedious. Don't ask me to name a better way to measure my knowledge of the material taught, but the current method is KILLING me inside.

So while I'm sitting in a classroom full of stressed-out, over-caffeinated kiss-asses, trying to stay awake long enough to finish this 3-4 hour long traverse through bullshit, think of me and shed a tear.

April Fool's

2008-04-01T22:35:00.000-07:00

Gotcha.

This is a serious problem.

2008-03-04T13:27:00.002-08:00

Guys, gals. Scrubs is a terrific TV show. So good, in fact, that I always have to watch it if it's on. This becomes an addiction, clawing away at the time I have to do anything productive in life. Will Turk have a mustache in this episode? Will this end up being a sad episode (I hate the sad ones)? When it's over can I flip to WGN or Comedy Central or TBS for another episode?

My work and people I love suffer greatly.

On the subject of chicken sammiches

2008-02-26T12:45:00.004-08:00

A recent Burger King commercial sparked a debate (in my own head):

Would I rather be a chicken sandwich or a hamburger?

Pro-Chicken:

Chicken is delicious
You might not get eaten as often as a hamburger

Pro-Burger:

Burgers are more popular
You don't get stale as quickly as chicken sandwiches

In the end, though, I decided it best to remain human.

Seriously, everyone

2008-01-29T13:34:00.000-08:00

Standing in large groups in the middle of the stairwell might be OK with you, but it's extremely inconvenient for the rest of us who are trying to get to class. Move your asses to the common areas or AT LEAST to the hallways. You'll make it through life with much less dirty looks thrown your way.

Let's talk about dating law students

2008-01-28T05:04:00.000-08:00

I can understand someone who doesn't go to law school making this mistake but WOW when someone in law school dates another person in law school...it's like they're trying to breed assholes. Just the thought of another arrogant, know-it-all, cutthroat bastard out there makes me cringe. Law students, you've got to ask yourself, "Do I really want to date a male/female version of me?" Please. The only thing more annoying than a law student is a 2-pack of law students walking around giggling and talking about the funny thing you read in your Con Law textbook. End of rant.

Dear reader:

2008-01-23T15:42:00.000-08:00

(Yeah, that's singular)

New posts coming soon. Hold in your enthusiasm, please.

What the hell did they teach you in kindergarten?

2007-11-14T12:17:00.001-08:00

FYI: The thing where people raise their hand, with the back of their hand facing the professor, to be called on during class? Bugs the shit out of me.

It's so small...

2007-10-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

It's hard to pay attention in class when you don't care. It's even HARDER to pay attention when you're annoyed. And it's the HARDEST to pay attention when you're angry. I'm sitting here between the middle and the latter. I seriously might throw myself off of a tall ---

AWWWW

I mean, I will honestly sock every person I see right in the mouth if ---

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

OK, so I guess I'll be alright.

Tips on how to interact in class - Lesson 1

2007-10-17T12:28:00.000-07:00

You don’t need to preface every statement made in class with “I was just gonna say…” Just say it. We'll get that you're "just gonna say it" when you say it. And while we're on that note, shut up after you make your statement. We don't need your life story.

A stream of consciousness.

2007-10-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

Wow, I’m so bored. I don’t think I could be any more bored. Could I be more bored? No. I don’t think I could. This professor has the most boring, monotone voice in the world. How did he make it this far in life being this boring? Who gave him a teaching position? Do they know how boring he is? How boring this class is? How bored I am? Jesus, I’m so bored that I’m actually feeling a bit angry over it. I’m paying $30k a year to be bored. I almost paid attention to what the professor was saying for about a minute. My brain turned to mush and I was immediately propelled back to not paying attention. Unattention? Disattention? Is there a word for the state of not paying attention? My brain isn’t working because I’m so bored. God, I’m bored.

Spicing it up.

2007-10-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

Law books are so boring. Take a look at this boring book:

So how do we make them more interesting? Simple. One carefully placed exclamation mark:

Publishers of legal books, take note.

Distraction, anyone?

2007-09-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

Gaaaahhhh

Class...boring...brain...shutting...down...

What's this? Distraction? Sweet.

So I noticed you have a goatee.

2007-09-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

Are you a professional baseball player? A count?

Then why?

To the guy with the rolly backpack.

2007-09-13T10:24:00.001-07:00

There's just something about running that makes most people look ridiculous. Maybe it's that they're not used to it and so they have no form, or maybe they're just doomed to hilarious running styles their entire lives. Either way, every time I see a grown person run, I laugh a little inside. Particularly funny, to me, is when the person lets his or her arms flail as if they're completely unaware that they even had arms.

Personally, I can only think of a handful of times in life where I was actually in a big enough hurry to run somewhere. Don't get me wrong, I probably look pretty ridiculous doing it, too. But my point is that, chances are, your life events are not nearly as urgent as you think they are. But please, keep running. It makes my day.

Seriously.

2007-09-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

People who ride bicycles, roll up your pant leg after you get off of your bike. You look like a douche.

Things that bug me.

2007-09-10T10:12:00.000-07:00

Pubes in the urinals. (Sorry, ladies. You'll have to sit this one out.)

I go into the bathroom and there's pubes in the urinals. What's the f'ing deal, here? How does this come about? I've got my theories:

1) It's the work of a religious nut. There is a guy who, every time he pees, pulls out his pubes as if to atone for his past sins. This guy is relentless, pulling out at least 10 in any giving sitting. He then leaves them in the urinal to remind himself of his past crimes.

2) Some dude has problems unzipping. John Q. Longpubes can't unzip and pull out his junk without inadvertently ripping out his own body hair. He is too stunned to do anything with them but leave them where they fall. Do yourself a favor and give yourself a trim.

3) It's a terrible present. Just as your dog or cat will drag a dead bird into the house as a "gift" to you, this man leaves his pubes in the urinal as work of art for all to see. 20 years down the road, it turns out that he's the new Van Gogh.

4) God hates me. He knows that seeing ripped-out pubes in a public urinal will always make me gag. He divinely intervenes to set me up.

Seriously, now guys. How hard is it to keep your pubes to yourself? Work it out.